Rules for Dating my Daughter

This Sunday we will continue our study in Ephesians called LIFE ROCKS - our topic will be DATING ROCKS from Eph. 5:1-22.

Here is a list that won't make the sermon this weekend but it's pretty stinkin' funny!

Rule One: 
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: 
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three: 
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:  
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five: 
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Six: 
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: 
• Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. 
• Places where there is darkness. 
• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. 
• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose
down parka - zipped up to her throat. 
• Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature
chain saws are okay. 
• Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better. 

Comments

[Brian]

Rest assured - whatever you do to my daughter, I will in turn do to you. Hold her hand and I will hold yours; Break her heart and I will break yours; French kiss her and I will french kiss you; Grab her butt and I will grab yours...need I go on?

[David Macer]

Great post Todd! I think you may be quoted on this in the near future!

[Andrew]

The rest of them... these last 2 are gems...

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.